Becoming a Mother is something in all honesty I never thought I’d experience. Not for not wanting, but more for feeling like I wasn’t worthy, or like I didn’t deserve. When I was 23 I had an abortion, whilst travelling in New Zealand this news turned my world upside down and I flew home to be with family. I was supported and held, even somewhat encouraged in my decision.. I was young, wild, free, and I wasn’t finished with the world. It felt right at the time and I never looked back.
However my experience was highly traumatic and I had never healed from that pain...after 13 arduous hours of labour with the worst pain imaginable, I was given an epidural and it was finally over. I remember in my exhausted delirium staring down at the fetus that a nurse foolishly left out in a bedpan for me to see. Afterwards I felt so ashamed, vulnerable, confused and lost.
Post abortion I waited till I felt ready, until I stopped bleeding, roughly a month or so, and off I flew back to Australia to continue life. I partied, very hard, escaped into the acid realms and forgot all about my trauma.
10 years later… During one of the strangest and most challenging years ever, with so much uncertainty and lack of direction, I went through what I'd call “A Dark Night Of The Soul”.
I found out on the 1st of October on an Aries Full Moon that I was pregnant, which came as a massive shock and my initial reaction wasn’t one that brought me joy. My partner and I were only in our first year of our relationship, we were madly in love, free, wild, and had just made plans to hit the road together. Travelling with a baby was not in our vision… although we had done nothing but speak of growing a family together since we met, we weren’t finished with each other yet. We made the decision to go for the “not now option” even though it made us both feel sick to our stomachs.
At the time I couldn’t even process this pregnancy because 10 years of suppressed trauma and emotions came pouring out. The thought of possibly going through all of that again terrified me to my core, but was I ready to be a mother? If I had another abortion would I be able to conceive in the future? Was this divine timing? If I had the baby would this affect our beautiful relationship? Was I ready to give up my freedom as I knew it? At the end of a very hard year, my business was badly affected, struggling financially, was this really my time to bring a babe into the world? The Universe thought so...
So many questions bombarded my thoughts, anxiety and fear overwhelmed me everyday, I called my Dr and he was really helpful, and in some ways probably somewhat unprofessional in his approach as he was quite unsupportive of my idea to have an abortion. At the time some of the things he said made me think twice about the “not now” option but I made an appointment with BPAS (British Pregnancy Advisory Service) anyway.
I spent the whole of October in bed crying, waiting, going over and over both options in my head. Calling out to the Gods for a sign, for someone to tell me what to do, to take the choice out of my hands. I’d had 3 tarot readings and went to see a psychic, reaching out to anyone that wasn’t me for help. It was 2 weeks before they got in touch with my appointment date and I was given Friday 30th October as the date for my medical procedure. I had expressed that I couldn’t go through with the tablets again, I wanted to be asleep, like a coward and wake up and for it all to be over.
The abortion date fell on the day of my Samhain ritual, and with dreaded regret I had to postpone/cancel. (Thank you for your continued support sisters)
My initial thought was this was a test from the Universe, was I willing to let my girls down and cancel my favourite and most special night of the year? In the state I was in, I was in no fit mindset to hold space for women, I felt broken and sad.
BPAS told me they would send my prep out, medication I had to take before my procedure on the night of the 29th. The day before my operation I called the clinic as the tablets had still not arrived, whilst on the phone they tracked my tablets to the post office where they had been sat for over a week… was this another sign I was willing to overlook? They told me they were sorry but as they had already sent out the medication I would have to wait for them to arrive, and because the medication was regulated they couldn’t give me a second lot. I was told they were short staffed due to Covid so I couldn’t come into the clinic without taking the prep.
So I had to wait again for my next appointment… Meanwhile, my bump had grown significantly making him/herself very known, my hormones changing, my body making its transition. I was starting to get attached to this tiny life growing inside me. Every morning I’d stare at my swollen breasts and my round belly and ask myself was I really willing to end this life? Throw all of my spiritual beliefs out the window to accommodate my fear of becoming a mother?
The tablets had still not arrived but I had been given my next appointment. By this point it was mid November… I felt so let down by the health services, there was zero urgency with them, and mentally preparing for something so big and life changing over and over was causing me so much pain. I was so confused at this point, I’d spoken to the councillor many times on the run up to my appointment, I’d expressed I was having second thoughts about my decision, but I was still going ahead with it. Acting out of so much fear and so far out of alignment with love, I kept convincing myself I was making the right one.
The day finally came and I went to the clinic, I was told I’d be called to be given the prep then I'd go into theatre a couple of hours later. Sitting in a waiting room full of young girls, I waited for my name to be called, but my turn never came. I had arrived at the clinic at 7:45am and was still there at 2pm. Hungry and impatient, sat in my own thoughts… torturing myself, going over and over everything, I was finally called in to see the nurse. I was weighed, my bloods were taken and the nurse told me i’d have to come back the following Saturday as surgery was now closing and there was only 1 surgeon working as they were short staffed due to Covid. They apologised profusely but I couldn’t believe it. I was outraged, but with a sense of relief as I made my way home.
I took this as another sign, surely this was Divine Intervention? Why hadn’t I been called, why wasn’t it over? Why did it feel that this Soul was crying out to be born.
I spent the next few days in meditation and deep thought, going over both outcomes in my head, trying to connect with this little soul, to connect to myself, my fears, my anxieties about my own Mother and my upbringing, trying to get to the root of what was causing me to resist so much.
I realised a lot of my fears were things I'd attached to my mother, and healing the Mother Wound had been my deepest work through my whole life, but this I felt was the final piece of the puzzle. Growing up I'd experienced emotional and physical abandonment which leached into my past relationships. I’d always felt love but I was afraid of it, afraid it would be taken away, so I always self sabotaged and ended things before I could get hurt. Before doing the work I sabotaged anything good in my life, I feared losing myself, I feared repeating patterns that weren’t serving me, I feared being a “bad mother” and making mistakes that could “fuck my child up”.
I admitted to myself that I’d been going against my gut the whole time, every cell in my being was telling me to have this baby, the Universe was telling me to have this baby, every card I pulled and reading I had was telling me to trust my intuition. I kept pulling the 10 of cups, a card to me that represents true happiness and emotional and spiritual fulfilment, a card depicted with a couple and their beautiful children under a rainbow. It taught me to forgive and be at peace with my past childhood trauma, that healing these wounds would truly allow me to let go and move forward building a strong and happy foundation for future relationships.
I affirmed to myself that I was worthy of love and that I deserved happiness. I declared that I am willing to say YES to life, yes to love, and yes to trusting my own intuition, my body, my heart and my own mind. I remember crying and holding my belly telling my babe I would never let anyone hurt him. I knew I was going to be a Mother.
The night before the final abortion was here, I had not cancelled my appointment, I admit now that I felt as though I would be letting Jordan down, nearly 2 months of an emotional rollercoaster playing the waiting game but I knew I couldn’t deny spirit any longer.
I remember going to sleep and Jordan said to me “lets see if you have any insights from your dreams”. That morning I woke from the most traumatic nightmare of me being in the clinic, in the operating theatre, under a “conscious sedation” watching everything that was going on played on a screen in front of me. I screamed in my head for the surgeon to stop but I was too sedated to move, I watched as he popped all of my eggs one by one on the screen.
I knew when I woke up that I'd been shown what my fears were, that my fertility would be at risk in the future, I felt as though this was a message from God, that it was confirming what my gut already felt. I couldn’t deny it anymore. I wasn’t willing to pick and choose when it was ok for me to take my path and my spirituality seriously. If I went against all these signs, the messages, the dreams, everything I built my life and my business on would be a lie, and everything I’ve ever taught my clients would be false. My message would be for nothing.
I called the clinic and spoke to the councillor again, I told her of my dream, she admitted that something very similar would have happened as I was not indeed down for a general anaesthetic but a conscious sedation so I would have been awake just unable to feel anything.
I knew the dream had been a warning and that I had to think very hard about whether this medical procedure would add more trauma to my life than repair it.
I surrendered completely, I finally let go, I knew I had to make this decision based on me and me alone, for what was best for me, and my healing. I knew in my heart that this was meant to be, that if I didn't go through with this I would regret it for the rest of my life, that I would never forgive myself for denying this soul, and for denying Spirit. I learnt to trust, I learnt to be be brave, and I brought myself back to love.
Fast forward to now and I feel so happy, so excited for my little blessing to arrive. I’m so proud of myself for moving through the fears, I sat through all my anxieties and let all my emotions out. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much in my whole life but it was a process that needed to happen. It helped me release and heal so much suppressed emotion and pain, it helped me see with more clarity. This was a massive opportunity for me to heal through shadow work and I sat and felt it all.
I can’t thank my beautiful partner enough for holding me with so much love and respect throughout this whole process while I journeyed through The Dark Night of My Soul. Holding me with so much patience as we both mourned the death of our old selves and the loss of our lives as we know it. We now get to welcome stronger versions of us, and an extension of us, an addition to our lives which will undoubtedly bring us so much love and joy. We have come out the otherside with even more love for each other and our growing miracle, and this is only the beginning. We are so excited to welcome this powerful soul into the world and we are truly honoured that he/she chose us to be their parents.
Amen, Aho’ and So It Is.